another morning of whats on my mind/heart

Yep, I still have my days and nights mixed up but maybe this is not such a terrible thing because I seem to do my best thinking time, which is at the wierdest times of the day or what I think I wierd anyway.
My favorite question, meaning the question I have heard myself ask and I hear people ask all the time is WHY DID GOD LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME OR WHY ME GOD? I challenge you and who ever else reads this to think what if is not about you? What if what has happen in your life has happen to you because you can handle it and the person who needs the lesson who is watching you go through it cant and a couple of reason that where kinda on my hear and mind t 1) what lesson am I suppose to get out of this, in other words why did GOD use me. nothing happen in our lives in vane and his word will not return to him null and void, he doesnt delight in our misery so okay LORD what is the lesson? 2) How can Iuse this situation to better my life 3) Why dont we comfort ourselves more knowing that GOD is in control, why is our trust so waivering. the first thing that doesnt go our way OKAY LORD WHAT DID I DO, WHY NOT ME, WHO AM I, GOD TAKE ME NOW, I MUST BE A PITIFUL PERSON. What if that situation was not for me, whatever the person who recieved it more than me and mine is yet to come. My grandma used to say GOD is not stingy on blessings and finally, one of my biggest problmes his time is so much better than our time. I am the queen of being impatient and procrastination so in other words not do want thing to happen on MY time but when it is my turn to do thing on a timer I put them off, i forget, i put them off, my procrastination has hurt myself, my word and other people. How selfish.
I have so many of my dear friends looking for jobs, wanting to change in jobs, unhappy with where they are in their lives, wanting a husband, a wife, a house ( i could keep going but you get the point) and there is something we all have in common we want it now. I dont think or I should speak for myself of the plan GOD has in store. I can say we all want to be happy and we all want the job, the career, the husband, the wife that will make us happy but it seems if we do a taste of work in the right direction then we believe the flood gates should open up. The question is why am I so impatient for the flood gates to open. Unlike my friends I have had terrible jobs, I have the stab wounds in my back and wondering why I have them. So explain to me why I cannot allow him to be incontrol of what I know he knows to be best and that is letthing him have control (LOL). I will say I am getting better or I am working. I recognize what is going on, I recognize that in all He is which the most simplistic being, most forgiving being, the most indescribable being I have encountered.
I often feel sorry for people who do not believe in nothing or are lost or even worst so caught up in religion that they have lost sight of GOD. Nope I cannot quote scripture like I am Jeopardy, nope I don't feel like people who breathe different air are going to hell, nope I don't feel like if I say hi to everyone GOD will say what a wonderful person and nothing bad will happen to me but I do believe that when I talk to him and I ask for understanding and I ask for specific things in his time and give him control; LORD SHOW ME WHY THAT JOB WAS NOT RIGHT when everything seemed so perfect from the outside he will answer. I also know I am so hard headed that I also have to ask him to help him move me out of my own way so I can hear him, meaning I can talk myself in and out of everything and not hear a word he is saying because he doesn't always yell he answers. There has been times when I have over heard someone say something and all i can say is THANK YOU because I understood how that applied to me.
I cannot say it enough what we want for ourselves are peanuts for what he wants for us.
Even in sickness he has not left us because our bodies are not meant to last so when we loose someone yes we are suppose to hurt, yes our flesh is scared, yes it is depressing but what an awesome time to feel his peace. I can only speak from experience but to feel a peace of no worry of some how not by my doing and i cannot understand how his peace came over me it is breathe taking and so incredibly calming and all you have to do is ask for it. it took me to have temper tantrum and yell and be mad act like child and cry so hard i got sick and for me lay across my bed (due to me being out of breathe, lol:) for me "hear are you done now rest" and i remember falling asleep and peace and calmness was so real when that if i didn't believe in him it would have scared me but instead i had to laugh. Have you ever had an emotion that was so strong and that you have never felt before that it brings out an unexpected response? Well that is me.